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Anger, Fatigue, Forgiveness, Rest, Work, and Dreams

calvinhobbscalmdown

I was really upset earlier with dad. The little things that he does and doesn’t do adds up and, honestly, it’s very hard for me to respect him. I don’t really know how to love the guy when half of the time I get really pissed at him for being the way he is.

Yet, even when I think of those things, the cross humbles me and brings me back to the point of forgiveness that Jesus gives me. Jesus forgave all of my sin. ALL.

To not forgive my dad, call him to repent, and do so lovingly and respectfully is antithetical to the gospel that I have received and live in.

I’m also weary and tired. Illness has set in again. There has been just waves of discouragement and depression at times. Partially because I haven’t rested well physically and spiritually. I’m getting worried about things I can’t control and not doing well with things that are in front of me. I need to slow down and refocus. I need rest and good quality time with Jesus instead of running on empty.

Work has been nuts lately. Busy as heck. Working less hours. Trying to always keep in mind what is the most important and urgent. Studying now and trying to be a pharm tech by the end of October before the change up the exam.

Been discouraged a bit lately. I think to myself what is the end of all that I am doing. Sometimes, I live out of fear of man. Other times, I just live for my comfort. Most times, I think there are many strongholds and functional unbelief in practical areas of my life – in particular relational. With family, it’s almost like God doesn’t apply. Don’t know how to communicate with non-believers anymore and treat people like people without jumping the gun. I want to learn how to listen, draw people out, interact meaningfully with them and also have the courage, tact, and boldness to proclaim and contextualize the gospel.

I think the craziest and most absurd thing that comes to mind in recent memory is just how easily I become and practice the log-in-eye-dude-thing. It freakin kills me. I hate talking and thinking about how messed up other people are before looking at myself, telling and applying the gospel to myself – before looking at other people first.

So dreams. I will work toward that dream of killing this self-righteous, hypocritical, cowardly, Pharisaical, foolish, self-destructing, inward-spiraling, depressive and unhopeful self so that I may rest in Jesus and live from a new identity. One that I have to continually revisit day in and day out because I forget and am so prone to just throw it out the window like exam material post-final.

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