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Journaling 5/12/2013

God has been showing me a lot this week. I think I’ve failed in many areas this week and here are a few to be brutally honest:

  • Relational faithfulness – both to God and others
  • Faithfulness in work
  • Lack of ambition and desire replaced by complacency, sloth, and excuses

It’s painful to see these areas and admit that these are areas that are in need of repentance. The enemy uses it very well to pound on me as the week goes on, as the fatigue piles up, and as the responsibilities seem and feel endless and God feels like a distant memory once upon a Sunday.

However, by God’s grace, he’s helping me to see and expose some lies behind those thoughts and feelings.

  1. We are at war. The enemy and my flesh will find every opportunity to bring me to death, brokenness, and destruction by helping me forget Jesus: who he is, what he has done for me, what is continually doing, and what he will accomplish in me, through me, and in spite of me. Jesus is the commander in chief and I must follow suit. I must not lose track of his leading and guidance in the battle otherwise I will be caught in crossfire, off mission, and rendered ineffective at best and killed at worst.
  2. Because of the reality of war, this has massive implications for things I thought were once normal and routine. This means work is a means of fighting. Rest is a means of fighting. Love is a means of fighting. Repentance is a means of fighting. Almost every aspect of my life that I can think of requires me to fight. The great news is that Jesus has already won the war. Claiming the victory via insurgency will be difficult, but I believe it will be accomplished in due time.
  3. Also, seeing the nature of this spiritual war not only involves me, but my family. I cannot be passive and omit my responsibilities and what God calls me to do in relation to others. If I do not act upon things that God has called me to do, I render those I love and those that are in my life susceptible to attack and death. I am a rescued man sent by Jesus to rescue others. I must see that as the drumbeat of relational intentionality.

Despite all these heavy things I like to bring upon myself to cut out sin, ultimately the Holy Spirit is the one actually doing this. He’s been changing my heart and leading me to repentance in the practical day to day. I now want to work and carry a load much more than before even though it will be tiring and exhausting, I know it will be to the glory of God and the joy of all peoples including myself. And despite how hard at work I will endure, God is showing me that he will supply the grace that is sufficient for me to press forward. I believe that.

I’m also being reminded that God is way bigger than me. Opportunities, dreams, and ideas that I thought were not available or open to me are no more. I seeing that the God who created the universe can definitely create opportunities for me to develop into the man that he wants me to become. I’m extremely grateful and humbled by that because I’m used to earning my opportunities, and yet I’m seeing I’m completely at the mercy of God’s providence and planning no matter how hard I want something to happen. God always ends up having his way and it is the best for me whether or not I see it now. I’m learning to trust in those small things and I think that will set a theme for decades and generations to come. I hope to grow in this and pass it on when I am old.

I feel like I’m in boot camp and already seeing the war. Training is hard, but fighting will be nothing like I’ve ever seen in my life.

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