Exhausted, but First Steps Again

It’s been a rough few weeks.

Tired and worn.

Back at the drawing board and here’s what I got:

  • Availing myself and pursuing spiritual disciplines to connect with Jesus – getting to know him more
  • Proactive with family rhythms and cultivating relationships – with goal of wanting them to meet Jesus
  • Career – dream job course – 1 module a week & earn 1k baby steps. look to transition to a new tech job by end of may / early june. hunt through pa & np for 2015. may not make the 2014 cycle. check registration times for classes and info sessions.
  • Friends – invest and keep track of relationships. consistency and intentionality by recording experiences and following up.
  • Ministry – hand off! Looking to hand off responsibilities by end of April / early May. Convicted to focus on investing in community group and local mission.

Sounds simple, but I need to see this to remember when I get sidetracked or lose focus!


Man, Not Boy. Disciple, Not Fan.

Jesus is leading me to become a masculine disciple.

He calls me to love as he does, but proactively pursuing, humbly repentant, and responsibly clear.

I do not believe Jesus will be pleased that I read all the theological books I can if I didn’t strap up, put on his righteousness, and engaged actively each day of my life to what he puts in front of me to cultivate and nurture – the people, the resources, the opportunities.

I don’t have time for theological debates. 

I don’t have time to wallow in my pride anymore. Jesus prayed for my failures and pulls me up to follow him and march forward.

I don’t have time for speculation – I need to walk and fight as I’m being lead by revelation. 

I don’t have time for church routine, but life altering community with believers and eternity changing encounters with those who do not know the King who pardons our rebellion and invites us into his kingdom to become his heirs, soldiers, bride, and people. 

Jesus will not say “well done, good and faithful servant” to a fanboy who did not know him. Jesus will transform the fanboy into a masculine disciple – just like he did Peter. Just like he is doing me. 

I’m reading through Fatherless America and it’s disturbing. 

Yet, I see what Jesus is doing in me, doing in our church, and his vision for our cities for masculine disciples and I remain hopeful. I want to be first to enlist and first to go through this. I need it. My family needs it. Legacies of my family and city depend on it. We depend on him to do this work. 


Debrief 3/13/2014

  • Kings – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6lLYpIUOmY&list=PLcpRY3ZkDHunu8sX0g2k8X9hkvBC5ytpS
  • Sleep – need those 8 hours forreal
  • Praying to and listening to the Spirit first thing in the morning – going outside helps me to get out of myself
  • Learn to preach to the gospel to yourself. You won’t be able to give people what they need otherwise!
  • God is bigger than your doubt – stop listening to your doubt, but listen to your God. 


  • Gospel centered contextualization – message there, but communicate it in a way that audience will receive it – whether its teaching, engaging, language, tone, etc.
  • What went well, what didn’t, what would we like to see
  • Not just getting and knowing the vision, but modeling and showing people how to love! Lead by example.
  • Do not be upset when people do not understand – make your expectations clear, but also provide a way to grow in those good expectations
  • Invest in your people, not just assign them tasks




Do You See Me, Son?

Son, do you see me? I am here.

Son, do you see me above your sin? 

Do you see me above the sins of your youth, the sins of your fathers, the sins of your people?

Do you see me high, exalted, and on my throne of glory that I will share with no other?

Son, I am here and I am condescending in my power.

My call cannot be resisted and my adoption of you is certain though you may doubt.

My persistence and steadfastness and long-suffering is for your good.

Son, I see you. I see your frailty. I see your brokenness. I see your doubts. I see your sins. I see the repulsive in you.

But come I will still. I will come as a surgeon, violently removing the disease, performing blood transfusion so you may have life once again. 

Son, make plans in your doubt, but have your faith and confidence in me. I will direct your steps though you plan your way. 

When you look over your shoulder, you will see that your route has been severely altered, but do not alarm. I am the one who is leading you though at times you stray. I will bring you back to the fold and on the way to life again. Do not fear.

So do you see, son? 

Do you see my love for you, your family, your city? These people, including yourself, are mine. 

Son, I will pursue you forever and I will pursue others through you. Do you see this son?


Two Nations – At War With Identity

I’m deeply disturbed to say the least. Doing research on the history of the Republic and People’s Republic have been really eye-opening, yet really depressing.

Reading about the humanity and complexity of the leaders of the movements really provides an honest assessment of human nature – even those in power and position. Sin is prevalent – and throw in the responsibility to develop a nation amidst chaos and turmoil and it gets way messier.

I was expecting to have a nice, clean account of how things went down – a few nice battles (death and casualties to be expected). But to hear about the lusts of the leader’s hearts, their conflicted desires, their attempts for national identity and collective glory are repulsive.

Here’s why I say that. For an identity, these men were willing to sacrifice their families. For an identity, these men were willing to sacrifice their country. For an identity, they were willing to put the lives of others in the face of death. All for what? Like Jadakiss, why?

For identity. For the ability to be a sovereign nation. For the ability to have respect, dignity, and acceptance from the international community. For the ability to say that you were Chinese and without needing to feel inferior to the White man or your neighboring Asian to think of you any less. To not be vulnerable to oppression and for your people to be stable in an identity that meant security in every way – ideologically, politically, socially, economically, collectively, and individually.

And what is the legacy now?

The legacy are two distinct countries – still debating over the issue of identity. Over what China is and who are we as a people.

I pray for the motherlands. I pray for its leaders. I pray for its people – my people, His people. I pray they would find their identity in Jesus. He has paid for all of our bloodshed. He is the ultimate king who has given us his identity and his status. We need to strive no more. We find our rest and identity in him. The massive implications of this are enormous and world-changing, I believe. I pray that God would sweep the motherlands in revival for his glory. Lives changed, legacies changed, the world changed – especially the men.

I see the legacy this has left on my family – especially my dad. I think he would take a bullet for the country before being willing to wash the dishes for mom. I’m tired of my dad misplacing his identity in this false identity of a nation – no matter how righteous in his eyes, are still stained by sin and blood. An identity I do not have boast of though I care deeply about – for the sake of my family and others. This identity has done nothing for him. It has robbed him of his joy, his life, and his years. It has robbed him of freedom that Jesus offers him and for that I hate it deeply. I am on the brink of seething disgust every time he defends this repulsive political party that means jack shit to Jesus. I’m angry that this false identity has promised him life and hope that it does not offer. I’m angry that it’s lies are enough to satisfy his need for identity, meaning, and significance. I’m angry that the sin has bled into other areas that has lead to ethnocentrism, racism, and just vain discussion.

And I love my dad. I want to see him free. I pray for his freedom and I will do my best by God’s grace to fight for his freedom in the land where it boasts of freedom, but enables much bondage.



Tools and the Craftsman

I’m finding that resources are simultaneously limited and abundant. Limited in the sense where I can only access so much at a particular period of time, and abundant in the sense where I’m in a country where much is easily accessible with the right connections and enough money. 

The real question is twofold I believe. One, what am I going to do with these resources and how do I gain the right resources? 


Fruitful Procrastination

Sitting over the library overlooking the construction of ELAC is in some ways amazing. I’m seeing a lot of potential here. The eucalyptus smells bring me back to UCSD memories of anxiety, fear, and just really dark and sad moments of my life. As i’m in a new season here back in LA and at ELAC, some things haven’t changed. Jesus hasn’t changed. He’s shown more of him to me than ever before. I’m learning more about myself and other people and I really feel like this is home for me. I love being able to relate to folks here in their struggle. Yet, after being at UCSD and even at Mars Hill, I’m understanding what’s contextualized and how sometimes partiality plays itself out.

To be honest, as I’m looking at the new construction of ELAC, I’m reminded of the reality of things. The people here are not second class. The education is not bad. Nor is the storyline of God inconsistent or different. It’s the same story, the same struggle, just a different context.

It’s moments like these where I get to step back that I’m really challenged to see things how God is seeing them. To live out the reality of equality and no partiality – to see that we share in our humanity and our depravity & that Jesus remains true even here.